According to Catholicism to die at one’s own hand is a sin unforgivable and will result in condemnation of one’s soul in the infernal pits of hell for eternity.
Annie’s mind wanders in service, she knows she isn’t well, she believes the priest in his cassock, if she doesn’t believe, she will go to hell.
-“But why,” she said, “would he not take all externalizations into consideration, would that destroy the purpose of faith, devoutness, and human strength?”
“Why must I believe in blindness and why can he not understand my woe?” “What is preached to me is said too cold.”
With that Annie’s wandering mind prompted her to find something worth blind faith, she left even though she left, to her family, as a disgrace.
As the years blurred by as a steady whirlwind of depleting time, Annie’s endeavors did not result in her favor, she found that there was nothing and no one left to save her.
Except that which had been forbade of her, the teachings that had embedded in her young mind, and had stayed there throughout time, had told her of her fate if she would take her own life.
“If you are there,” she said looking up into the sky, the born agnostic had made up her mind, “I hope that you can understand my weakness, and take pity if you must, though I know I have never done enough to earn your love. So says my mother and my brother……so be it. If you are without reason you are not a god worth pleasing. I’d rather spend eternity in hell than be condemned for what we as humans can not possibly know. In this world of intricacy , complexion w/o bounds, I bid thee ado, I promise you my soul.” With those final words she lifted the knife to her throat.
“If this shall be my destiny, better sooner than later my lord.”